So, there are these sheep, right? They roll themselves into balls and roll over bridges, then get hit by giant mecha cricket bats.

Anyway, the sheep aren’t important. The important thing is, they’re in league with the ducks. These Aylesbury ducks are attempting to take over Southampton University and then the world by making chemicals in the Chemistry department that will turn humans into mindless slaves.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, Rolf harris is having sex with chickens while his wife squeezes his balls to make him sing higher as foreplay. It’s all excusable, though, as he’s making a deal with the chickens and will be on our side to save humanity while the chickens and ducks play Mortal Kombat to decide the fate of the Earth.

We will win, though, for one very important reason – after we’ve stalked him for a while, Rolf will give us the secret of his beard shortly before being dressed up in a fur suit and being put down at Animal Hospital. Armed with this knowledge, we’ll breed hundreds and thousands of these beards, sneak up behind the ducks and put the beards on them, thus defeating them by making them look silly.

Meanwhile humanity will be divided into the Beard faction and the Moustache faction, who will fight it out by playing Bloodbowl – one side playing beaked halflings, the other playing orcs with Rolf’s beard.

THIS IS THE SECRET FUTURE OF THE WORLD.

The scariest thing about tonight is, we were sober.