Today, I stepped completely inside an illusory mind. But yet, it’s not so entirely illusory. When I think about it, there was one event in my life that set in motion a change that made me who I am today, emotionally speaking. Without that one event, I would be a person like Malachai. I’m not sure if it should worry me or not that I can step so completely inside his mind at will.

“The mind is all that is real! All that makes us human! It’s meaningless to try and supress your own desires!”

Either way, it certainly made for an interesting roleplaying session (and here I should apologise to Adam, and most of the people I know online, blogging entirely about a roleplaying game). It seems that, even though I no longer get angry with anything, I can slip into being someone who does with remarkable ease. And pretty much all the things I said (at high volume, for at least five minutes, shouting at at least two voices in my head) are things that I verge on believing myself.

“You’re all just figments of my imagination! I am the fundamental thing! There is no reason for me to obey your desires over my own!”

In a way I’m thankful that I’m not Malachai, although I’ve begun to fear that should I ever “snap”, I might become the way he did today. Hopefully I will never find out if it’s possible for me to snap.

“Your eyes lie to you, your taste buds and your ears lie to you! Humans don’t have or need a body, the mind is all that matters!”

If I consider the self I call “Ian” to be a reference point, I think that Malachai may be some sort of counterpart to Tsuki. At first, I think of Malachai and Tsuki as two extremes, but when I consider it more deeply there’s a number of ways in which those two are alike while Ian is not. In fact, when I bring various RP characters into the complex interreaction inside my mind, the structure that I envisioned when Ian and Tsuki were the only two personality layers falls apart. This may be a good or a bad thing - either way, I think I need to reconsider my Mental Structure essay before I commit it to paper (and the internet).

“I don’t need to listen to voices in my head that aren’t mine! I am all that is, and all I ever need!”

In the end, at least, one thing is reassuring. Just as other characters in the game managed to talk and reason Malachai out of his rage eventually, I am sure that my friends will always be able to help me should I end up in a bad emotional state in real life too.

*“In the end, you were right. Who is inside whomever’s head makes no difference - there is a right way and a wrong way to treat others, whatever your belief or definition of reality. I believe in myself, and I believe in you. I trust you, and I have faith in you, my friends…”

~ Thoughts of Malachai Black, a created character and an aspect of myself.