Synopsis

BABIES are all secretly SUPER SMART, because REINCARNATION, or PSYCHIC POWERS, or…

You know what? I have drunk so much wine to cope with this preposterous shit that I have absolutely no idea.

By the Numbers

  • BABY DEFCON: 1
  • Inexplicable mazes: 1
  • Convincing statues: 0
  • Inexplicable Giant Floating Baby Heads: 2
  • Doc Browns: 1
  • Baby Geniuses: 0
  • Toddler Geniuses: 7
  • Kung Fu Toddlers: Somehow, some
  • 6-foot-tall Chuckie-esque nightmare fuel babies: 1
  • Robotic North Poles: How does that even?
  • Crotch shots: 21
  • Babies writing in Cuneiform: WHAT
  • Bullshit factor:
    She cannae take it anymore Cap'n!
  • Horrifying Justin Bieber / Stephanie from Lazy Town crossbreeds: 1
    WHAT HAVE I DONE
  • P. Oopie Bottoms: 1
  • Hobos beaten up in public lavatories: WHAT AM I WATCHING
  • Ultrapaedo: Present
  • Cigars smoked: 1
  • Evil Lenin: EVIL LENIN
  • Walls of bears: 0 good ones
  • Liechtensteins: More than one?
  • Inevitable fun houses full of evil clowns: 1
  • Evil Goose: EVIL GOOSE
  • ROFLcopter: More like Rolling On Floor Weeping tbh
  • Terminator references from toddlers: 1
  • Three Stooges references from toddlers: 2
  • Happy Days references from toddlers: 1
  • Saturday Night Fever references from… you know what, fuck this, I’m out.
  • Alcohol required: OVER 9000 ALCOHOLS
  • “This is pathetic.”: YES IT FUCKING WELL IS
  • Cost of sequel: Hopefully a lot less than 20 million dollars.

Overall: -2147483647 / 5

Bullshit factor: Too damn high.