Joint review by Eric and Ian. Because there are too many lulz here for one man to handle alone.

Synopsis

In 1967, MILTON BRADLEY published a BOARD GAME known as BATTLESHIP.

…Now, it is 2012.  OIL RESERVES are running low.  CLIMATES are altered by GLOBAL WARMING.  And HOLLYWOOD has SCRAPED the BARREL OF IDEAS.

That’s it, folks. We have reached PEAK IMAGINATION.

By the Numbers

  • Cupcakes: 1
  • Property damage caused by the quest for a burrito, in US$: 37,000
  • Navy porn: over 9000(,000,000,000)
  • Characters below the rank of Ensign, in the entire movie: 1
  • Games of Doodle Jump played: 1
  • Giant spinny death-things that really hate concrete: 3
  • “I’ve got a bad feeling about this”, after hundreds of people die: 1
  • Alien punch-ups, because naval combat can’t fill a whole two hours: 5
  • Suspicious rectangular grids of tsunami warning buoys: OH GOD SO CONTRIVED
  • Minutes into movie before someone fires an actual missile: 79
  • Enemies defeated by the power of grandad-moustaches: 1
  • Paralympic ass-kicking events: 1
  • BATTLESHIP HANDBRAKE TURNS WHAT THE FUCK I GIVE UP NOW

Overall: E 5

Hit! You sunk my FAITH IN THE MOVIE INDUSTRY