A guest review by Ian‭ “‬Devo‭” ‬Montgomery

Synopsis

PAUL W.S.‭ ‬ANDERSON’S WIFE stars in PAUL W.S.‭ ‬ANDERSON’S slightly-more-faithful adaptation of the POPULAR VIDEO GAME SEQUEL.

In response to a MAN-MADE PLAGUE leaking out in their underground lab from the first film,‭ ‬the Umbrella Corporation think it’s a good idea to RE-OPEN THE DOORS and see what happened down there.‭ ‬Naturally,‭ ‬ALL THE ZOMBIES HAPPEN and an entire city goes to hell.‭ ‬COPS,‭ ‬COMMANDOS and PAUL W.S.‭ ‬ANDERSON’S WIFE‭ (‬oh myyy‭!) ‬fight against the undead hordes whilst looking for a lost child while being chased by a mutant super-soldier.

By the Numbers

  • Minutes of recap at the start of the film‭: ‬2
  • Raccoon Cities‭: ‬1
  • Raccoons‭: ‬0‭ (‬Such blatantly false advertising‭!)
  • Sinister black SUV’s‭: ‬ALL THE SINISTER BLACK SUV’S
  • Lawsuits filed against Umbrella for severe corporate negligence‭: ‬None,‭ ‬because everyone who could have filed such lawsuits is‭ (‬UN)DEAD‭
  • Token black cop destined to die‭: ‬Check
  • Zombie hookers‭: ‬3
  • Arousals triggered by zombie hookers‭: ‬1‭ (‬Eew‭!!)
  • Minutes of film before Alice gets to do anything‭: ‬27
  • ‬Scenes copy-pasted from the Resident Evil games‭: ‬3
  • STARS‭: ‬12‭ ‬to‭ ‬0‭ ‬in‭ ‬10‭ ‬seconds
  • Precision Tactical Nuclear Device in kilotons‭: ‬5
  • Times Alice pumps shotgun for dramatic effect‭: ‬1
  • Times Alice COULD have pumped a shotgun for dramatic effect‭: ‬6,‭ ‬in the space of one minute-long scene
  • 8-foot fences jumped by a walking tank‭: ‬DA FUQ‭!?
  • Solid walls bulldozed by a walking tank‭: ‬1
  • Frying pans of bludgeoning‭:‭ ‬+1
  • Zombie children‭: ‬Class in full attendance
  • Hot dogs‭: ‬2
  • Sudden,‭ ‬inevitable betrayals‭: ½ ‬since it’s not really inevitable
  • Zombies that bad guy gets buried under‭: ‬OVER‭ ‬900‭!!
  • Readers who saw another‭ ‬0‭ ‬at the end of that number‭: ‬You know you did‭ ;‬D