Synopsis

D’ARTAGNAN’s PARENTS were killed, so in order to avenge them, D’ARTAGNAN learns LEET NINJA SKILLZ, joins the MUSKETEERS, talks in nothing but CLICHES, and flirts embarassingly with MENA SUVARI.

Also, ARAMIS is a SARCASTIC BASTARD with an EIGHTIES POWER METAL MULLET.

By the Numbers

  • Evil henchmen with eyepatches: 1
  • Unconvincing cockroaches required to defeat a musketeer: 3
  • D’Artagnan’s “evil henchmen killed per bullet fired” ratio: 3
  • Times Francesca switches from badass to pointless floozy and back: 7
  • “What if I absolutely… must kill someone?”: 1
  • Inexplicable Rooms Full of Ladders: 1
  • “On rolling barrels” fight scenes: 1
  • “Running across heads of bystanders” fight scenes: 1
  • “In remarkably destructable kitchen” fight scenes: 1
  • “Along the sides of a tall building” fight scenes: 1
  • “On the back of a moving carriage” fight scenes: 1
  • “Precariously hanging on ropes” fight scenes: 1
  • “Along extremely thin ledge” fight scenes: 1
  • Boxes checked there: 7
  • Tim Roth: 1
  • Chandeliers swung from: 2
  • Horses jumped between: 3
  • Buckles swashed: over 9000

Overall: 1 / 5 (with brain enabled),

or 5 / 5 (with brain disabled)

Cheese rating: Casu marzu (warning: gross). This shit is Film Review by the Numbers gold.