Synopsis

ROBIN WILLIAMS and JOAN CUSACK, the NUTTIEST NUT-BARS in NUTBAR LAND, have their TOY FACTORY taken over by MICHAEL GAMBON and 12-year-old LL COOL J. They try to make WEAPONISED CHILDRENS’ TOYS (which I couldn’t possibly condone), but are defeated by a DARING MILITARY RAID and SUICIDE TOY TROOPS, because… war is bad?

By the Numbers

  • Beanie hat pacemakers: 1
  • Pop-up house, in levels of recursion: 2
  • Heads vomited by larger heads: 15
  • Stakhanovite pop songs: 1
  • Big cocks: Somehow, 1
  • Satanic canapes: 23
  • LL Cool Js per Sofa: 0.25
  • Vaginal mazes: 0
  • Simpsons: 1
  • Sexual innuendos per minute: significantly more than 0
  • Restricted montages: 1
  • Vomit of the White Man: 1
  • MTV Dali: 1
  • Volvos destroyed: 0
  • Clockwork Radars: 3
  • Scary skellingtones: 4
  • Ender’s Games: 0.65
  • Speeches borrowed from: 6
  • Synchronised tank ORGies: 1
  • Swiss Army Bastards: 1
  • Unidentified Flying Bubble-blowing Elephant Graves: 1
  • 90s: 90 (‘sup Enya, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Seal and people wearing frock coats with no shame)
  • Whimsicle fuckery: over 9000

Overall: 3 / 5