Synopsis

The MAYANS had it all right, and we’re ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE. This is because of THE SUN and EARTHQUAKES and SUPERVOLCANOS and NEUTRINOS and PRINCESS DIANA and probably some OTHER SHIT too.

Oh, and the EARTH’S CRUST is displaced by EXACTLY THE RIGHT AMOUNT to mean that the HEROES’ PLANE lands EXACTLY WHERE IT NEEDS TO even though it ran out of FUEL but it’s still a CHOPPY LANDING with no UNDERCARRIAGE but luckily they can RAMP OFF THE BACK OF THE CARGO DOORS in a VOICE-CONTROLLED BENTLEY.

By the Numbers

  • Scenes of Spaceporn: 3
  • Neutrinos causing physical reactions: > 0
  • ZOMG THEY’RE HEATING UP THE EARTH’S CORE!!!1!11!!eleven!: 1
  • THE WORLD… AS WE KNOW IT… WILL SOON COME TO AN END…: 1
  • Incidences of Cheesy Pseudoscience: over 9000
  • Incidences of Science: 0
  • Incidences of Hollywood OS: 25
  • Incidences of Good Parenting: 0
  • WHY DON’T YOU DOWNLOAD MY BLOG?: 1
  • Pickles: 215
  • THERE’S SOMETHING… PULLING US APART!: 1
  • Super Secret Government Arks to Preserve Humanity: 4
  • Useful Skills Posessed by those with Ark Tickets: 0
  • Erics reassured by Russian Accents: 1
  • Tightrope-walking Chihuahuas: 1
  • Suicide Missions Survived: 1
  • Percent of Humanity Dead to still qualify as a Happy Ending: 99.999%
  • Glasses of sangria consumed while watching: 3
  • Pseudosciences picked apart while watching: 17

Overall

  • When viewed as intended: 1 / 5
  • When mocked relentlessly: 5 / 5
  • Cheese Factor: This is so blue it’s borderline pornographic