Synopsis

It’s CHRISTMAS DAY and as far as I can tell this PILE OF UNMITIGATED SHITE is in fact the BEST THING on TV right now.

Oh yes, PLOT.

UNREALISTIC CASTAWAY BARBIE meets an INEVITABLE PRINCE who takes HER and her RIDICULOUS CADRE of TALKING ANIMALS back to his FANTASY KINGDOM. While there, SHE foils an EVIL PLOT and marries the PRINCE and discovers that SHE was a PRINCESS all along and OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE

EVIL MONKEY BABY

EVIL MONKEY BABY

By the Numbers

  • Red Panda, average fur colour: #FF0000
  • Barbie, punchability rating: over 9000
  • Eyelashes per dolphin: 28
  • Time the elephant spends applying mascara each morning, in minutes: 13
  • Characters that are not, in some way, royal: 3
  • Characters of that set who are animals: 2
  • Characters who are jaundiced: 9
  • Characters that are ridiculously pale: ALL THE OTHERS
  • Characters that can talk to animals: FUCKING ALL OF THEM? I don’t know
  • Times someone bursts into song for no reason at all: 13
  • Times Barbie foiled evil plots with a bow and arrow while wearing a Robin Hood costume: 0
  • Percent better the film would have been if she had: 5102
  • EVIL MONKEY BABY: EVIL MONKEY BABY

Overall: 0 / 5

EVIL MONKEY BABY