A FRbtN by Ian and Dan.

Synopsis

A SENSITIVE and HISTORICALLY ACCURATE retelling of one of CHARLES DICKENS’ MOST FAMOUS NOVELS… is THROWN THE FUCK OUT THE WINDOW and replaced with something BARELY RELATED involving TALKING ANIMALS and CHEESE VIRUSES and—

OH FUCK IT’S A MUSICAL

FLEE

FLEE WHILE YOU STILL CAN

By the Numbers

  • Dickens grave-turning, revolutions per minute: 64
  • Bears unwisely employed as midwives: 1
  • Unwise references to the Cheese Merchant game: 1
  • Unwise musical numbers: ALL OF THEM
  • Evil Northern lions: 1
  • Dubious Cockney rats: 2
  • Cheese factories that conveniently have their own pipe organs: 1
  • “Oh, I looooove expanding!” (that’s what she said)
  • Cheese Police: CHEESE POLICE
  • Cheese Monster: WHATEVER i am done
  • Chimneys sneezed up: 1 (Apparently physics works that way)
  • Randomly selected jam tart flavour: herring
  • Mouldy ghosts created by experiments to discover genetically modified cheese-less cheese: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKETTY FUCK
  • Prototypical Nazi dance numbers: 1
  • The distinct smell of legal documentation: not present on this one!
  • Parrot doors: 1
  • Bagpipe cheese blunderbuss: BAGPIPE CHEESE BLUNDERBUSS
  • Voice actors in this musical who can sing: 0
  • Voice actors in this that we have heard of: 0
  • Probability that this is because all of them were shamed into hiding from society forever: 100%
  • Cheese factor: META

Overall: -12 / 5

“As William Shakespeare never said, ‘Yikes!’”

If this is what Christmas is about, I’m going to become a fucking Jehova’s Witness.

Thank god we discovered Ecstasy and clubbing, otherwise the whole of the 90s would have been like this crock of shit.