Synopsis

ANGSTY SPACE SQUADDIE goes to SPACE SQUADDIE SCHOOL and sucks at it. Suddenly, ALIENS appear and everybody dies! Except for ANGSTY SPACE SQUADDIE and his ANGSTY SPACE SQUADDIE friends, who are saved just in the nick of time by SOME DUDE FROM A VIDEO GAME. Huh. What are the chances of that.

By the Numbers

  • Cadet vomit, pints: 7
  • Dicks stepped on: 2
  • Belly buttons fought: 918
  • Imperfect teeth: 0
  • Squaddie Susan Pevensies: somehow, 1
  • Lingering shots of space elevators, because IT’S THE FUTURE: 8
  • Warthogs: 2
  • Bouncy Warthogs: 0
  • Ender’s Games: 0.7
  • Starship Trooperses: 0.4
  • Anti-personnel pineapples: 1
  • Combustible lemons: 0
  • Clockwork Oranges: sadly not
  • Evil alien Chromecasts: 3
  • Master Chief: 117
  • Kaiser Chiefs: 0
  • Training time required to use alien railgun: 0.2 seconds
  • “Four minutes to the Pelican!”
    I don't want to live on this planet any more.
  • GET TO DA CHOPPA: 0.6
  • Percent of film that is flashback: 99.9%
  • Percent of film that is missing: 75%
  • Percent of film that is inexplicable in-universe commentary track: 6%
  • HAL: over 9000

Overall: 3 / 5

Never ask a lady her age. That’s classified.