A guest review by Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… LIES, SLAUGHTER AND THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL! Now we’re getting somewhere! For those who watched the saga in production order, the moment we all knew was coming is finally here. Freedom dies with thunderous applause and a WHINY BITCH grows into a MAN… an EVIL MAN who later becomes more MACHINE.

FUN FACT: Everything that happens in this film is JAR JAR BINKS’ FAULT!

By the Numbers

  • Locations in the film which are not CGI: 0
  • Starpilots who somehow don’t get vaporized when their ships blow up: 1
  • Spaceship lice: 15
  • Badass cyborg harbingers of death with asthma: 1
  • Number of Rogers in one elevator: 8
  • Incontinent robots with flammable piss: WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING
  • Disarmaments: 4
  • Dislegaments: 1
  • Convincing romantic exchanges between Anakin and Padme: Fuck no!
  • Wooden helicopters: 4
  • Pointless cameos: 1
  • Walking carpets: RWWAAAAARRR
  • Bird-dragon mounts: I WANT ONE
  • Largely ineffective whirling blades of death: 4
  • Pop-guts: Yum yum
  • Demonic evil battle-cries: JEEEZUS CHRIST!!
  • Largely incompetent Jedi masters skewered by one old man: 3
  • Palpatine’s POWAAAAAHH level: Unlimited
  • Order: 66
  • Chaos: Over 9000!!!
  • Sudden, inevitable betrayals: 7
  • Convincing performances by Jedi toddlers: Pffft, fuck no!
  • Children slaughtered: Many
  • Of which were killed on-screen: 1
  • Trained soldiers killed by a single child: 6
  • Guards KOed by a tiny goblin: 2
  • Flying saucers: 7
  • “From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!”: Dude, you fucking KILLED CHILDREN!!
  • Toasty amputees: 1
  • Robo-midwives: 1
  • Logical explanations for a physically healthy woman to die just because she doesn’t want to live: Are they even TRYING any more!?
  • Cost of Vader’s reconstruction: $6,000,000
  • Newborn messiahs: 2

Overall: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO / 5