A guest review by Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… A bunch of young whipper-snappers decide to FIGHT THE POWER because BLOWING UP PLANETS is kind of a dick move.

NOTE: For those who give a damn, this version of Episode IV is from the original trilogy special edition box set released back in 2004, as will Episodes V and VI be.

By the Numbers

  • Locations in the film which are not CGI: ALL OF THEM
  • Longer, longer, longer, longer lasting starships in seconds: 11
  • “We’re doomed!”: 2
  • Rebels who are actually worse shots than stormtroopers: 10
  • Penalties to dodge rolls when shuffling across a narrow corridor whilst being shot at from both sides by a dozen soldiers: NAAAAAH
  • Blue rings of sleep: 1
  • “I’m going to regret this”: We all are
  • Problems the bad guys could have avoided if they’d just shot down that one escape pod with no lifesigns aboard: OH CHRIST, WHERE TO BEGIN
  • “We seem to be made to suffer”: Yes
  • Things which are R2-D2’s fault: 3
  • Thieving midget gyppos: 8
  • Distance between the bright centre of the universe and Planet Sand: Over 9000!!! parsecs
  • Only hopes: 7
  • “Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise”: BULLSHIT
  • Kentucky fried guardians: And a burnt-out hut
  • Floating black balls of PAIN: 1
  • Giant ballsacks playing catchy jazz numbers: 4
  • Butt-mouths: 1
  • Greedo: SHOT FIRST
  • Horribly-rendered CGI slugs: 1
  • Star Destroyers: 4
  • Stars destroyed: Disappointingly, 0
  • Planets destroyed: 1 (YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!)
  • Unfair games of space-chess played: Screw the rules, I’m a Wookiee!
  • TK: 421
  • Boring conversations: 1 (Really, just 1??)
  • Incredible smells: 1
  • Games of Laser Pong played: 1
  • Tentacle rape scenes: OH GOD WHY
  • Headbangers: 1 (Rock on!)
  • Gullible Space Nazis: 7
  • Highly trained, well-armed soldiers running away from a single crazy person: 5
  • Penalties to dodge rolls suffered while standing on a 1×2 platform and being shot at by four soldiers on the other side of a gaping chasm: OH FECK OFF
  • Twincest: 0.3 (Shhh, spoilers)
  • Mark Hamill’s schizophrenic moments: 5
  • “Pull up!”: “No, I’m all ri-AARRRGH!”
  • Big bangs: 1
  • Big bang theories: 0

Overall: 4 / 5