A guest review by Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… A boy grew into a MAN, a SCOUNDREL became a POPSICLE and the AUDIENCE became AGHAST as the PRINCE OF DARKNESS reveals a TERRIBLE SECRET (unless you’ve seen Episode III first)…

By the Numbers

• Abominable Snowman’s sneak attack roll: Natural 20
• “A death mark’s not easy to live with”: No shit!
• Awkward goodbyes: 2
• Human stalactites: 1
• Chances of surviving in a sub-zero environment without shelter or supplies: 725 to 1 (supposedly)
• Reliable instructions offered by a hallucination: 2
• Cozy entrail beds: 1
• Nerf herders: 1
• Twincest: 0.7
• Examples of Vader overcompensating for something: 1
• Giant robo-camels of death: 5
• Frotting starships: 3
• Hyperspace rolls fumbled: 3
• Possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field: 3720 to 1
• Odds beaten: 4445
• TIE fighter evasion rolls failed: 4
• Robots literally full of shit: 1
• Perilous flirting: ALL THE PERILOUS FLIRTING
• Crazy old goblins: One there is, yes. Mmmm!
• Floating zombie heads: 1
• Bowls of yummy swamp stew: 2
• Giant space cocks: 1
• Giant space cock vore: THERE’S NOT ENOUGH MIND BLEACH
• Something something DARK SIDE: 7
• Odds of surviving a direct assault on an Imperial Star Destroyer: SHUT UP
• Try: 0
• Violent interruptions: 1
• Piggies in the middle: 0
• Piggies out of the middle: 4
• Wookiees in the middle: 1
• Manoliths: 1
• Father-son games of catch played: 1
• Son’s failed catch rolls: 5
• Father-son hand-jobs: Fuck this, I’m out!
• Mark Hamill’s facial age upon learning of his parentage: 20 to 50 in 25 seconds
• Conveniently placed tube slides: 1

Overall: 4 / 5