A guest reviewby Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

T1 was a CLASSIC. T2 was a MASTERPIECE. T3… is neither of those things. At last, a Terminator film that DESERVES the FRbtN treatment!

The year is 2004 and the future saviour of mankind is a DELINQUENT SOMEWHAT LARGER SHIT! Then some SEXY ANDROID ASSASSIN FROM THE FUTURE comes along to KILL EVERYONE EXCEPT HIM (until she finds him). ARNIE then shows up and after an hour and a half of RUNNING, GUNS, EXPLOSIONS and CONTINUITY ERRORS, the day is saved… aside from the nuclear holocaust. …Sorry.

By the Numbers

  • Time-travelling exhibitionists: 2 (A-FUCKING-GAIN!!)
  • Epic theme tunes: 0
  • Troll deers on dark highways: 1
  • Toasted marshmallow heads: 1
  • Inflatable bitch pillows: 2
  • “I like your gun.”: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
  • “I hate machines.”: They hate you too
  • Chemically-neutered saviours of humanity: 1(?)
  • “Can I take your order?”: DIE
  • Robo vampires: 1
  • Orgasms achieved from licking bloody bandages: 1 (Ewww!)
  • Mega Buster charge shots: 4
  • Auto-bots rolling out: 4
  • Pointless bouncy castles: 1
  • Buildings demolished by runaway crane of death: 9
  • Gungraves: 1
  • Cyborg assassins with a PhD in psychology: 1
  • Literal backseat drivers: 1
  • Arnie’s body count: 0 (again)
  • Kristanna Loken’s body count: 9
  • “She’ll be back”: In 4 minutes
  • Toilet dunkings: 1
  • Murder-bots rolling out: 14
  • Nearly-headless ‘Neggers: 1
  • “Oh god, she’s coming”: OH REALLY
  • Nuclear holocausts averted: Nope

Overall: 2 / 5