A guest reviewby Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

The year is 1994 and the future saviour of mankind is a DELINQUINT LITTLE SHIT! Then some gun-toting ANDROID ASSASSIN FROM THE FUTURE comes along to SAVE HIS PUNK ASS from getting SKEWERED by SOME OTHER ANDROID ASSASSIN FROM THE FUTURE and to SAVE THE WORLD from BURNING IN NUCLEAR FIRE!!!

(SO MANY CAPS!!!)

By the Numbers

  • Crunchy skulls (as part of a nutritious breakfast): 5
  • Seconds spent silently weeping while watching a playground burn: 60
  • Time-travelling exhibitionists: 2 (Here we go again!)
  • Toasty bikers: 1
  • Foster dicks: 2
  • Psychiatric care: Pffft, nope!
  • Nuclear nightmares: 2
  • Metaphorical games of Missile Command played: 1
  • GET DOWN: BOOM: 4
  • Vehicles refusing to start as the bad guy closes in: Naturally
  • Penalties to riding rolls whilst spinning/reloading a 10-gauge shotgun in the off-hand: LOL NOPE
  • Semi-truck buzz-cuts: 1 (I said just a little off the top, asshole!)
  • Silver Surfers (sans surfboard): 1
  • Got milk?: Yes
  • Got blood?: Also yes
  • Flatfoots with a checkered past: 1
  • Fingertip lobotomies: 1
  • Mop of bludgeoning: +4
  • Bones in the human body broken: 1/215
  • Splitting headaches: 1
  • Cyborg brain surgeries: 1
  • Hammer time: STOP
  • Genocidal super-computers built by the nicest man alive: 1
  • California Fried Children: 8-piece bargain bucket
  • “Clean penetration”: That’s NOT what she said!
  • Incidents of self-flaying: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE >__<
  • Arnie’s body count: 0
  • Robert Patrick’s body count: 8
  • “I’LL BE BACK”: In 2 minutes
  • GET AWAY FROM DA CHOPPA: 1
  • SMASHING: SMASHING
  • Doughnut heads: 1
  • I am Bender. Please insert girder.: 4
  • Silver man-pretzels: 1
  • Manly farewell tears shed for a cybernetic killing machine: OVER 9000!!

Overall: 5 / 5