Synopsis

THOR, a TWELVE-YEAR OLD ARYAN SPACE PENIS, fights STUFF. Then, he fights some MORE STUFF. Then, he proceeds to fight YET MORE STUFF. This counts as a VICTORY, because in the COMBINED WORLDS of MARVEL and NORSE MYTHOLOGY, how could it not?

ODIN and LOKI, the only two SENSIBLE CHARACTERS in this FILM, somehow come off looking bad.

By the Numbers

  • Loki eyebrows raised: 14
  • “Madness? …What kind of madness?”: 1
  • Volstagg, in waist size (inches): confusingly, 40
  • Mystic Ancient Teleporters: 1
  • Lightning Gods tased: 1
  • “THIS MORTAL FORM HAS GROWN WEAK. I NEED SUSTENANCE.”: 1
  • Unexpected Mud Wrestling People: 2
  • Seconds taken to talk a man guilty of multiple counts of GBH out of a secure military facility: 140
  • Hooble telescopes: 1
  • Sif pissed-off factor: surprisingly little
  • Metal Factor: approximately 8000
  • B-Movie Factor: over 9000

Overall: 4 / 5