Synopsis

A MILITARY SONAR TEST unexpectedly unleashes the CHEESIEST FILM IN HISTORY.

By the Numbers

  • Inexplicably hot submarine pilots: 1
  • Episodes of Octonauts that are basically the same plot as this: 2
  • Whale meat closeups, in kilotons: 27
  • WHAT’S GOING ON: 1
  • Bottles of J2O drunk out of paper bags: 2
  • Shark jump height, in metres: 5000
  • David Caruso: 0.7
  • Flashbacks: 7
  • Flashes to exactly the same time and place: 304
  • Primary-coloured “Chemistry” potions: 26
  • I DON’T KNOW, YOU’RE THE EX-NAVY PALAEONTOLOGIST GURU: 1
  • Competency of Destroyer Captain: 0
  • Ships that are actually Destroyers: 0
  • Submarine video links: 1
  • Screw it, all of this. I’m going to stop commenting on the tech before I explode. This film was clearly not written by anyone who has ever been on a ship, a submarine, or possibly even seen the sea.
  • WHAT HAVE WE DONE: 1
  • Fucking FOR SCIENCE (RADIOACTIVE PHEROMONE SCIENCE): 1
  • Sex Henderson: 1 (NOT EVEN FUCKING KIDDING)
  • GIANT SEAFOOD, LLC: O_O

Overall: 0±5 / 5

You know what I haven’t done in a while? A military sonar test. IT’S GO TIME.