Synopsis

Average nerdy ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY, PETER PARKER, is BITTEN by a RADIOACTIVE BUDDHIST DOG and gains the powers of a DOG. This essentially amounts to LOOKING LIKE A DUMBASS AT COURT.

Later, he gets ZAPPED BY BULLSHIT and turns into an ACTUAL DOG for a while, and, via AN HOUR OF TEDIOUS HIJINKS, learns to be a BETTER PERSON or some shit.

By the Numbers

  • Immortal Viet Cong dogs: 1
  • Buildings burned down because they were putting makeup on bunnies: Apparently 0
  • Rich arsehole capitalists played by Robert Downey Jr: 1
  • Laser-shooting robot suits played by Robery Downey Jr: 0
  • Pugfrogs: 1
  • Snakedogs: 1
  • THAT’S NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS: OVER 9000
  • Furry blood-hedgehogs: 600
  • Psychic dog mind melds: 1
  • Canine revelations heard in low Earth orbit: 1
  • Meditating bunnies: 4
  • Beached whales made of peanut butter: …onnnnee?
  • WHO LET THE DOGS OUT: Oh hell no
  • People slapped in the face with Robert Downey Jr’s fluffy tail: 1
  • Redeeming features of this tiresome shit: minus 36
  • TO INFINITY AND FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK NNNNNNOOOOOOOO

Overall: -4 / 5

“Everyone’s going to need therapy after this.”