While clearing out a decade of unnecessary junk from the kitchen today, we discovered this recipe book from the 80s… and it is INCREDIBLY CURSED.

Here’s some of the recipe highlights you may like to enjoy. Or you may not, you know, it’s your call.

We’ll start with “Tangy Grapefruit”. Ingredients, as well as the grapefruit, include pepper, carrot and cucumber. Mercifully there’s no cottage cheese on this one, which comes as a blessed relief having seen some of the other things this book has in store.

Ah, here we go. Choux pastry balls… GUESS WHAT MOTHERFUCKER it’s cottage cheese!

Next up: Cheddar cod. CHEDDAR COD WHAT THE HELL

To be fair that’s just cheesy white sauce, but I’m still not sold on the concept—or how Cheddar cheese is slimming.

On which note, we move on to “Hamburgers with Topping”. “Topping”? Sounds suspicious.

The recipe doesn’t seem particularly weird, but crucially: NO BUN. I guess the recipe book is simply 40 years ahead of its time; I’ve seen pubs that today offer this as a low-carb version of a burger.

Check out that appetizing photo. Those burgers are already cold.

Next: Cauliflower and Orange Salad. Ingredients: Cauliflower, Orange, Low-calorie Dressing. Yum yum.

Moving on, I think they made a typo on this next recipe—it should be called “Beans with Baby Sick”.

But hey, big respect to you for cooking the beans first and keeping them warm for 20 fucking minutes while you make the rest of it. I’m sure they’ll still be crisp and fresh.

Hey, at least they can’t fuck up desserts too badly. Except this crumble topping, made with muesli and cornflakes, which is an unacceptable compromise in the name of slimming.

That’s just a bowl of dry milkless cereal, man.

So far so bad. But nothing, nothing prepared me for the worst of all the secrets this book had hidden inside.

A hand-written recipe from god-knows-who and god-knows-when, sandwiched between the pages. A horror so bad even the Sainsbury Book of Slimming did not dare commit it to print.

I present the crowning glory of 80s culinary hell:

CURRY TURKEY

(Wait, Curry Turkey? That doesn’t sound too bad, surely?)

CURRY TURKEY
Serves zero, I assume

1. Chop turkey meat into bite size pieces
2. Chop 2 or 3 apples, 2 or 3 bananas, handful raisins
3. Mix together (with) large jar mayonnaise, lemon juice, curry powder to taste.

How much curry powder is required before you can’t tell you’re eating turkey with bananas and A WHOLE FUCKING JAR OF MAYONNAISE?

For our own safety: we will never know.

The end.