Jack and Jill

By the Numbers

Twincest: NOT Wincest
Actors out-acted by cockatiels: 2
Actors with less convincing accents than cockatiels: 2
Amish karate kids: 1
Puppetry of the penis: 0
Puppetry of the lower intestine: 1
Salt mills sellotaped to foreheads: somehow, 1
Womb-mates: 2
Skype, in anti-semitism: Somehow… some?
Jill, in anti-everyone-else-ism: ALL OF IT
Mexicans who talk like Speedy Gonzales: Apparently all of them
Depth Al Pacino’s career has fallen to be in a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial: -350m
Depth Al Pacino’s career has fallen to be in Jack and Jill: MINUS OVER 9000 METRES!1!
Simultaneous chokings (sadly non-fatal): 2
Bobarella: BOBARELLLLAAAAAAHHH!
Apparent precedents for the Phineas and Ferb “Mexican Jewish Festival” episodes: 1
Curative jalapeños: 12
Incidences of tilting at ceiling fans: 1
Al Pacino’s creamy goodness: 173
Ducky Momo
Pails of water fetched: 0
Crowns broken: NOT ENOUGH
Times the “Jill can’t remember what film it is” joke is made: 3
Times the “Jill can’t remember what film it is” joke is funny: IT WILL NEVER BE FUNNY
Times I have now watched Shaq licking inappropriate things: 1
Times I have now watched Adam Sandler shaving his chest using water from a toilet bowl: WHAT NO STOP
Times I have now watched Al Pacino trying to pull Adam Sandler: OH GOD KILL ME NOW, TORCH THE EARTH AND BURN THE SKY, NOTHING SURVIVES
“What are you going to wear Daddy? …IN HELL?”
“Burn this.”: YES
“Nobody must see this.”: YES
“Destroy all the copies.” YES