Synopsis

SHARPE and a GINGER DUDE are secretly GREEK GODS, come to EARTH to bitch about someone stealing a LIGHTNING BOLT. Meanwhile, JAMES BOND has really let himself go, and now sports a BEARD, a WHEELCHAIR and A HORSE’S ARSE. PERCY JACKSON, a FAIL in human form, discovers he’s the SON of GINGER DUDE, goes away to GIANT EGO CAMP to learn how to prove his INNOCENCE by BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE and falling in love with the BITCHIEST PERSON AT CAMP.

The BITCH then becomes kinda’ WHINY as they gallivant all over America looking for three conveniently-located PEARLS, guarded by TRINITY, the PARKS AND RECREATION AUTHORITY, and CAKES made of LSD and LADY GAGA.

Then they visit the FINAL LEVEL, defeat the FIRST END-BOSS, recover the DEUS EX MACHINA, unleash the MAIN CHARACTER’S PREVIOUSLY-SEALED SUPERFLANGE to defeat the SECOND END-BOSS, return the DEUS EX MACHINA to SHARPE, resolve the MAIN CHARACTER’S OUTSTANDING DADDY ISSUES, and win the GAME.

Incidentally, these kids look about twelve, how come they can drive and are allowed into casinos?

By the Numbers

• Sean Beans: 1
• Pierce Brosnans: 1
• Steve Coogans: 1
• Other actors: apparently, there were some
• Percy Jackson Punchability: over 9000
• Grover Punchability: over 9000
• Mythological creatures encountered: precisely one of each
• Days of playing CTF games required to make you a mighty warrior: 10
• Seconds of touching water required to make you a mighty warrior: 5
• Seconds of running required to master Mercury’s Converse trainers: 2
• Highways to Hell: 1
• Medusae viewed by Reflection in iPod Touches: 1
• Casino Guards beaten with Blunt Instruments: 14
• Guitars, ginger beards and leather jackets owned by Hades: 1
• Good combat stances, as a percentage: 10%
• All combat scenes slowed down by, as a percentage: 60%
• Really fucking obvious bits during credits: 1

Overall: 2 / 5