Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

The Lizzie McGuire Movie


LIZZIE MCGUIRE, a WASTE OF SKIN, chucks a EURO in SOME FOUNTAIN SOMEWHERE and immediately becomes a STAND-IN POP STAR, who is of course just as talented as the REAL POP STAR, because DISNEY and shit.

Meanwhile, the POINTLESS LITTLE BROTHER gets about FIVE MINUTES of SCREEN TIME, which he wisely uses to wreck EVERYBODY’S SHIT for THE LULZ, and the BEST FRIEND gets about FIVE MINUTES of SCREEN TIME, which he wisely uses to ANGST THE FUCK OUT.

By the Numbers

  • Super-deformed cutesy scenes, whilst not being animu: 27
  • Creepy voyeurs: 1
  • Generic Italian Montages: 3
  • Actual Italian accents: very few
  • Biceps autographed: 1
  • “e-searches”: 1
  • Percentage of references to Italian food that are spaghetti: 100
  • Convincing diversionary tactics employed: 0
  • MiniDV tapes destroyed by brief contact with water: apparently, 1
  • Number of people who can sing and dance in Disney films: FUCKING EVERYONE

Overall: -7 / 5

Fun fact of the day: The guy who plays the hotel receptionist also plays Dr Zarkov in the Flash Gordon TV series.

Fun fact of the year: There was a Flash Gordon TV series. It looks FUCKING AWFUL. The Pirate Bay has all 21 episodes – plus an “Episode 22”, only in Spanish, which IMDB doesn’t believe exists. LET’S. DO. THIS.

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