Synopsis
After a BOTCHED REMAKE of INDIANA JONES AND THE SKULL OF DOOM, the PURPLE SPANDEX LONE RANGER arrives to save the day!
Later, he discovers that EVIL PIRATES have KIDNAPPED a PRETTY RICH WOMAN are PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD with EVIL MAFIA CRIME LORDS and EVIL SKULLS and so he must save the day! Again!
By the Numbers
- Crystal Skulls: 4
- Indiana Jones wannabes: 4
- Indiana Jones successes: 1
- Lone Ranger successes: 1
- Blatant Mary Sues: OH YES
- Antigravity trucks: 1
- “I’ve contracted malaria, mother!”
“That’s nice.”: 1 - Mercifully off-screen eye stabbings: 2
- Poorly CGI’d World War I seaplanes: 2
- Normal aircraft used when they could shoe-horn in a seaplane instead: 0
- Surprise French kisses from evil sexy sky pirates: Somehow, 1
- Implied necrophilia from evil sexy sky pirates: Whaaaaaat
- To the
BatBlatantly Obvious Skull Cave!: Yep - Direct methods of museum robbery: 1
- Stained glass windows smashed: 6
- Value of stained glass windows smashed, USD: 6
- Dogs that can talk to horses: BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY CAN
- Mobsters dispatched by very soft cannonball: 1
- Ill-advised parries with golden skulls: 4
- Colour-coded laser beams: 2
- Highly convenient submarines: 1
- Standard of acting: MINUS NINE THOUSAND
- Standard of special effects: MINUS TEN THOUSAND
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