Synopsis

After a BOTCHED REMAKE of INDIANA JONES AND THE SKULL OF DOOM, the PURPLE SPANDEX LONE RANGER arrives to save the day!

Later, he discovers that EVIL PIRATES have KIDNAPPED a PRETTY RICH WOMAN are PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD with EVIL MAFIA CRIME LORDS and EVIL SKULLS and so he must save the day! Again!

By the Numbers

  • Crystal Skulls: 4
  • Indiana Jones wannabes: 4
  • Indiana Jones successes: 1
  • Lone Ranger successes: 1
  • Blatant Mary Sues: OH YES
  • Antigravity trucks: 1
  • “I’ve contracted malaria, mother!”
    “That’s nice.”: 1
  • Mercifully off-screen eye stabbings: 2
  • Poorly CGI’d World War I seaplanes: 2
  • Normal aircraft used when they could shoe-horn in a seaplane instead: 0
  • Surprise French kisses from evil sexy sky pirates: Somehow, 1
  • Implied necrophilia from evil sexy sky pirates: Whaaaaaat
  • To the Bat Blatantly Obvious Skull Cave!: Yep
  • Direct methods of museum robbery: 1
  • Stained glass windows smashed: 6
  • Value of stained glass windows smashed, USD: 6
  • Dogs that can talk to horses: BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY CAN
  • Mobsters dispatched by very soft cannonball: 1
  • Ill-advised parries with golden skulls: 4
  • Colour-coded laser beams: 2
  • Highly convenient submarines: 1
  • Standard of acting: MINUS NINE THOUSAND
  • Standard of special effects: MINUS TEN THOUSAND

Overall: 2 / 5