A Day of Success and Failure

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Today has been weird in so many ways.

First of all, I overslept by four hours. Deliberately. Through a 9am lecture and compulsory 10am problem class. In the few seconds between waking and falling asleep again, I must somehow have convinced myself that this was a good thing to do. So, I woke up at midday, and spent half an hour in dazed confusion - as if my mind had only a tenuous control over my body.

I went downstairs in an attempt to get food, and chatted to Racheet who’d been playing Maple Story. Mark came in at pretty much the same time, and so we (the three of us plus Anna) played Maple Story. For the next five hours. Without realising the time.

It was after this that the realisation finally hit me. I’m so lazy it’s almost beyond words. My mum had been sending me text messages and e-mails for the last three weeks, and I hadn’t bothered to reply to any of them. I have three family birthdays next week that I haven’t even thought about yet. I haven’t even got anywhere with advertising for a new housemate, something that should have been done two months ago. I bought some solder to repair my DDR mat with five weeks ago, and haven’t got around to it (a 30 second job) yet. I need to send an e-mail (a two-minute job at most) in order to get my sponsorship money for this year, and yet in the last two months I’ve barely even thought about it.

Well, today I went some way to changing that. The mat is fixed, and “Housemate Wanted” posters are printed. Oh, and I phoned my mum. Who told me that my parents can’t really afford to pay for me to do a fourth year at Uni, and the LEA won’t pay for it. So, to do a fourth year, I have to save up four thousand pounds over the next two years. But I so badly want to stay here with everyone for as long as possible, I’m determined to manage it whatever the cost.

This evening I spent in the pub, and although I had a good time I’m worried that I may have seemed impolite… I don’t really know why, though. Just a weird feeling I have.

And, to end the night, I stayed up far too late. I’m forcing myself to wake up at 8am tomorrow in the vain hope that I might be able to get some work done. I have so much to do…

My thoughts for today:

I should probably stop chasing things that are unachievable. But it’s hard to tell what’s achievable and what’s not. And in a way, perhaps I shouldn’t - chasing dreams might be part of what makes me myself, even though it causes an overdose of emotions and angst every time I do it.