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Today, I stepped completely inside an illusory mind. But yet, it’s not so entirely illusory. When I think about it, there was one event in my life that set in motion a change that made me who I am today, emotionally speaking. Without that one event, I would be a person like Malachai. I’m not sure if it should worry me or not that I can step so completely inside his mind at will.
“The mind is all that is real! All that makes us human! It’s meaningless to try and supress your own desires!”
Either way, it certainly made for an interesting roleplaying session (and here I should apologise to Adam, and most of the people I know online, blogging entirely about a roleplaying game). It seems that, even though I no longer get angry with anything, I can slip into being someone who does with remarkable ease. And pretty much all the things I said (at high volume, for at least five minutes, shouting at at least two voices in my head) are things that I verge on believing myself.
“You’re all just figments of my imagination! I am the fundamental thing! There is no reason for me to obey your desires over my own!”
In a way I’m thankful that I’m not Malachai, although I’ve begun to fear that should I ever “snap”, I might become the way he did today. Hopefully I will never find out if it’s possible for me to snap.
“Your eyes lie to you, your taste buds and your ears lie to you! Humans don’t have or need a body, the mind is all that matters!”
If I consider the self I call “Ian” to be a reference point, I think that Malachai may be some sort of counterpart to Tsuki. At first, I think of Malachai and Tsuki as two extremes, but when I consider it more deeply there’s a number of ways in which those two are alike while Ian is not. In fact, when I bring various RP characters into the complex interreaction inside my mind, the structure that I envisioned when Ian and Tsuki were the only two personality layers falls apart. This may be a good or a bad thing - either way, I think I need to reconsider my Mental Structure essay before I commit it to paper (and the internet).
“I don’t need to listen to voices in my head that aren’t mine! I am all that is, and all I ever need!”
In the end, at least, one thing is reassuring. Just as other characters in the game managed to talk and reason Malachai out of his rage eventually, I am sure that my friends will always be able to help me should I end up in a bad emotional state in real life too.
*“In the end, you were right. Who is inside whomever’s head makes no difference - there is a right way and a wrong way to treat others, whatever your belief or definition of reality. I believe in myself, and I believe in you. I trust you, and I have faith in you, my friends…”
~ Thoughts of Malachai Black, a created character and an aspect of myself.
A lot has happened today… First off, I actually managed to get enough work done this morning that I’m not quite so horribly behind, and I’m now actually feeling quite confident about Classical Mechanics.
Then, in the afternoon, we went shopping. I became a shameless consumer whore, eating at both KFC and Subway in one day. I also bought some manga (Crescent Moon 2 & 3) and a published book of a Cthulhu-related webcomic. Anna bought a plushie Cthulhu that spent at least half an hour sitting on Andy’s hat, while Mark went and bought an inflatable dalek for our living room. We have so much cool stuff in our living room now! Also, although we didn’t buy the books, there’s a really awesome-sounding new roleplaying game called Fireborn. It’s very appropriate to Tsuki.
Then, while in TK Maxx, we encountered The Fabled Wildebeest Cube of Doom +1. It was a kind of bean-bag-like-seat, which on first inspection looked furry. It turned out, though, that it was hairy. For some reason, we ended up thinking it was wildebeest hair…
Anyway, on the way to the supermarket we stopped at the seemingly- randomly-generated German market in the middle of town to buy chocolate-covered grapes and strawberries, which were extremely nice! Food shopping was tolerable, but getting all the stuff home (and ye gods, we bought so much stuff) was scary. I ended up carying five bags on a stick held up by my shoulders, because I couldn’t lift the damn things for very long with my hands…
After that lot, I was too worn out to do anything this evening except sit around and chat about anime and old console games… ^_^
(And, just so today’s report isn’t all happiness and joy, I’ve got to mention the recent developments in a certain Games Society forum thread. It’s beginning to scare me a little, and I’m getting worried that people could think wrongly about me after reading a thread like that… Just because I have something, doesn’t mean I like it. I have Windows XP on my hard disk, but I don’t like it. I have the Power Rangers theme in my MP3 collection, but I don’t like it. The fact my anime collection includes Puni Puni Poemi doesn’t necessarily mean I like it. In fact, I find it more than a little scary. So, please don’t judge me on things like that…)
Part I - How Not to Wake Up
I planned to wake up at 9am today. I actually woke up at 1pm, thus missing Kung Fu for the third week in a row. My apologies to everyone whom I’d told that I’d be there…
Part II - Productiveness
This afternoon I got quite a bit of work done, since I’m really lagging behind on lots of my work at the moment. Also made a Star Ocean 3 wallpaper, since I’m obsessing about the game at the moment.
Part III - A Bus Journey in the Rain
So, Racheet and I decided to go to a gig in Winchester this evening. I first found out about this at 2pm and it started at 8, but never mind - on-the-spot decisions are fun! Anyways, after an hour or so of travelling, we found ourselves at a seemingly-deserted pub in Winchester. Hidden away somewhere, however, was the music room. Once we found that, it became much more like what I was expecting… Although upon stepping through the door I wasn’t expecting J-Rock.
Part IV - Syaranosui
Whoah. Stunning… In appearance and talent. I assumed them to be a local band, seeing as they’re playing in a pub to 40 people and brought along a stack of their CDs to sell. Upon later inspection, <a href=http://www.syaranosui.com>their website</a> lists a price for their CD in Yen. So, they’re very much an enigma to me. I bought the CD though, they’re really good!
Part V - Trauma Pet
Another warm-up band - really quite good (I bought their CD too) but IMHO not as good as the last.
Part VI - Goteki
Part two of tonight’s enigma. I always assumed they were famous, and I keep meeting people who’ve heard about them. So seeing them playing to 40 people in a pub was weird! I’m still unsure as to how famous they actually are. Anyway, popular or not, I think they’re really good! Amusing, too. ^_^ They’re the band that I went to see, and I certainly wasn’t disappointed!
Part VII - House Party
One bus trip back to Southampton, and Racheet and I stopped by at a house with some of the people who’d been at the gig. As usual, I feel horribly out of place since I don’t know anyone, but I had fun nonetheless! Being my normal stupid self I’ve forgotten most of the peoples’ names already, but at least it’s another seven or eight faces that I recognise in what I guess is the Southampton goth scene.
All in all, a fantastic even
Holy crap, it’s half past three… That’s not good ;;_;;
This morning, I woke up three hours early so I could tidy my room and get some work done.
This morning, Half Life 2 and Star Ocean 3 arrived.
Guess what I’ve been doing all day. Whoops. ;;_;;
In the past two days, I’ve said two things which I’ve gotten embarassed about - one much more so than the other - and yet life goes on exactly as it did before. I suppose I am thankful. But it’s finally beginning to dawn on me… after years of being totally honest to everyone… I have secrets again, now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad…
Today has been weird in so many ways.
First of all, I overslept by four hours. Deliberately. Through a 9am lecture and compulsory 10am problem class. In the few seconds between waking and falling asleep again, I must somehow have convinced myself that this was a good thing to do. So, I woke up at midday, and spent half an hour in dazed confusion - as if my mind had only a tenuous control over my body.
I went downstairs in an attempt to get food, and chatted to Racheet who’d been playing Maple Story. Mark came in at pretty much the same time, and so we (the three of us plus Anna) played Maple Story. For the next five hours. Without realising the time.
It was after this that the realisation finally hit me. I’m so lazy it’s almost beyond words. My mum had been sending me text messages and e-mails for the last three weeks, and I hadn’t bothered to reply to any of them. I have three family birthdays next week that I haven’t even thought about yet. I haven’t even got anywhere with advertising for a new housemate, something that should have been done two months ago. I bought some solder to repair my DDR mat with five weeks ago, and haven’t got around to it (a 30 second job) yet. I need to send an e-mail (a two-minute job at most) in order to get my sponsorship money for this year, and yet in the last two months I’ve barely even thought about it.
Well, today I went some way to changing that. The mat is fixed, and “Housemate Wanted” posters are printed. Oh, and I phoned my mum. Who told me that my parents can’t really afford to pay for me to do a fourth year at Uni, and the LEA won’t pay for it. So, to do a fourth year, I have to save up four thousand pounds over the next two years. But I so badly want to stay here with everyone for as long as possible, I’m determined to manage it whatever the cost.
This evening I spent in the pub, and although I had a good time I’m worried that I may have seemed impolite… I don’t really know why, though. Just a weird feeling I have.
And, to end the night, I stayed up far too late. I’m forcing myself to wake up at 8am tomorrow in the vain hope that I might be able to get some work done. I have so much to do…
My thoughts for today:
I should probably stop chasing things that are unachievable. But it’s hard to tell what’s achievable and what’s not. And in a way, perhaps I shouldn’t - chasing dreams might be part of what makes me myself, even though it causes an overdose of emotions and angst every time I do it.
Today, both of my housemates and I ended up going to London, all for different reasons. This is my story…
The day began too early for comfort, but it seemed I wasn’t the first one up. Thanks to yesterday’s non-sleeping escapades, Racheet woke up at stupid o’clock this morning - and made enough breakfast for two people. I’m eternally grateful - not only did I not have to make my own breakfast, the time saved was probably the only thing allowing me to get the bus to the station on time.
The train (and, thanks to some lovely engineering works, bus) journey to London was pretty uneventful, but things started getting fun once we got to LV and we met up with others - Lime, ER and Jo to start with, then Ant, Neo and Stel later.
After a while of looking silly on dance machines (and encountering “Team Crystal Skyline”, livng proof that there are still people around who think elitist DDR teams are a good idea) we headed out to Camden market.
And, er, wow! It’s huge, and full of so much cool stuff! It seems just about every nationality, culture and sub-culture is catered for, as well as every taste in food and fashion. I managed to resist temptation, though, and I didn’t actually buy anything except for £5 worth of flavoured fudge, which I ate in about two minutes. One day, though, I’ll go back with lots of money and buy tons of stuff!
After heading back to LV to meet Adam and Tasha, we went on to a Wetherspoons’ to get food and drinks. Starting drinking at 5pm feels quite weird ^_^; Anyway, much fun was had by all - I think - tonight, although spending 3 hours trying to ensure that a drunken friend coped with the trip home to Bournemouth was a bbit of an odd end to the evening.
I really wish I could have stayed over and been in London tomorrow as well, but I have a lot to do at home. The curse of an ever-busy diary - I missed out on no less than three other things that I could have been doing today in order to go to London. I also spent over £50, which is probably not a good thing. But then, it’s not as if London meets happen very often, so I can afford to splash out!
This afternoon I had the Physics Lab session from hell. This evening, I spent most of my time playing Kerplunk as a drinking game. I haven’t slept for 40 hours now. And, I have to get up in 6 hours’ time to go to London.
I feel extremely weird, although I’m at the same time ecstatically happy. I have no idea why…
(Apologies for the randomness of this post.)
…surprisingly un-scary ^_^;
Well, okay, I wasn’t really expecting it to be particularly scary. Unfortunately, as usual, I was very quiet - even worse than normal since I was surrounded by at least a dozen people that I don’t know.
Oddly, I felt a little out of my depth, even though really I don’t think I was. I think maybe that’s what comes of having spent the last few years delving into the philosophical and psychological aspects of such things, and not really thinking about the more practical aspects that most people tend to prefer talking about.
I’d like to go again next week to see what the University-only meetings are like, and I hope that’ll be okay. I’m not sure whether I imparted a good first impression or a bad one to the people I met today, but I think at least I did leave people with an honest impression. That’s probably for the best.
You know… If someone had told me a year ago that I’d simultaneously have a crush on both one of my best friends’ girlfriend and a person I’d only met three times in my life, I’d probably have laughed…