By guest reviewer DANFOX DAVIES:


Stolen HARRY POTTER Music shoved hurriedly into the EDWARDIAN era on a set somewhere between DAVID COPPERFIELD and NANNY MCPHEE. BOWLER HATS and lack of plot sense belie the FRENCH ORIGINS of the film.

MILDRED HUBBLE is ridiculed at CACKLE’S ACADEMY and starts RUMOURS. She casts the NEVERENDING STORY spell and these rumours get a little too real. Writing BOOKS is such fun, Mildred almost fails to notice her MOTHER is becoming less Nanny McPhee and more CLARA COPPERFIELD by the day. Her SMUGNESS outlasts her mum and her PATHETIC PAINTER crawls back with ONE LEG and a BEARD. Then it gets WORSE so she dresses as CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW and goes EMO-GOTH.

By The Numbers:

Overall: 2/5

I mean, really, there aren’t even any angels in it. OK, there are a couple of stone cherubs and Mildred Hubble claims her name is Angel. So? The moral: erm, if you’re a bitch you should dream through your life so you don’t notice your immense smugness.

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