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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Synposis

Bespectacled adventurer MILO teams up with a BUNCH OF WEIRDOS and their SUPER-DUPER SUBMARINE, blow shit up and discover ATLANTIS. KIDA, the inevitable PRINCESS, convinces KING SOMETHING-OR-OTHER not to kill them all. Predictably, the BUNCH OF WEIRDOS turn evil and try to steal ATLANTIS’s SUPAR POWER SUPPLY, while MILO falls in LUUUURRRVE with KIDA.

The BUNCH OF WEIRDOS mostly turn non-evil again and save ATLANTIS from a VAGUE, NON-SPECIFIC DOOM THAT SURELY CAN’T BE MUCH WORSE THAN LAST TIME.

Then, DISNEY makes another GIGANTIC PILE OF CASH.

By the Numbers

  • Pauses for effect: 1
  • Old man todgers implied: 1
  • Basic food groups consumed: 4 (beans, bacon, whiskey, lard)
  • Deep sea phone calls placed: 2
  • Lightning bolts fired underwater: 17
  • Mole men: 1
  • Nadias: 1
  • Leagues of Extraordinary Gentlemen: 1
  • Leagues under the Sea: 20,000
  • Unexpected Leonard Nimoys: 1
  • Super Saiyan Nadia Power Level: Shameless excuse for an over 9000

Overall: 2 / 5

3 replies on “Atlantis: The Lost Empire”

Milo had glasses and stupid hair! And saved the DAY! HOVER BIKES!

I second the Atlantis/Treasure Planet shameful enjoyment.

I assumed readers would realise at “Nadias: 1” that I already have! It’s hard not to see the Disney version as a bit of a rip-off, they’re so similar.

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