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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Avalanche Sharks

Synopsis

When a SKI RESORT is built on a NATIVE AMERICAN BURIAL GROUND, it awakens the SPIRITS of NATIVE AMERICAN SNOW SHARKS.

25 years later, a SPRING BREAK BIKINI CONTEST takes place at the RESORT. The SNOW SHARKS are so enraged by TERRIBLE SCRIPTWRITING that they surface and KILL ALMOST EVERYONE INVOLVED WITH THIS FILM.

By the Numbers

  • Unnecessary lingering shots of ski resorts: 34
  • Twenty-somethings pretending to be teenagers: 11
  • Guys who walk into the dark alone after the crazy old man tells him they’re all going to die: Yeah, one
  • Gristly moist bits: 85
  • Convincingly Japanese people: 0
  • Ketchup-averse huskies: 6
  • Attentive lifeguards: 0
  • Couples wandering the mountainside inexplicably searching for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villains: 1
  • “I don’t exercise well when I’m not high!”: 1
  • Varieties of sex tree: at least 3 (Dickamore tree, Box, Dogwood)
  • Sharks defeated by the Power of Love: 0
  • Lawnmower noms: 1
  • Some say, this joke will make no sense to anyone but us.

Stig Shark

  • Convincingly rendered avalanches: HAHA OF COURSE NOT
  • Convincingly rendered sharks: …Actually, the avalanches were kind of alright…
  • Guns usefully used against sharks: 0
  • Guns fired at sharks anyway: 8
  • Distractingly white teeth: 24
  • Douche-eating build-up: over 9000
  • Endings: Nope!
  • Hot tubs, how do they work?

Overall: Avalanche Shark / 5

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