SOME DANISH BLOKE is tormented by 90s Industrial/EBM band GRENDEL. From across the seas comes BEOWULF and GIMLI to save the day. And get pissed. Occasionally, they kill STUFF. In the nude, ‘cos that’s just how BEOWULF rolls. Then BEOWULF fights he and ANGELINA JOLIE’s LIZARD-BABY and the LAWS OF PHYSICS at the same time. Totally unexpectedly, he wins.

By the Numbers

  • Uncanny Valleys reached: 1
  • Uncanny Valleys crossed: 0
  • Convincingly-delivered lines of dialogue: 0
  • Accents effected by Beowulf: 6 (by my count, Cockney, Pirate, Australian, Scottish, English and South African)
  • Incidences of Realistic Boob Physics (tm): 0
  • Nekkid Beowulf Power Level: Over 9000
  • Angelina Jolie’s Golden Minge: 1

Overall: 1 / 5

This made it to cinemas?!