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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Cockneys vs Zombies

Synopsis

INEPT COCKNEY BANK ROBBERS go into a BANK. Suddenly, a wild ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE appears! Then they RACE AGAINST TIME to rescue their GRANDAD from an OLD PEOPLE’S HOME that is, on average, much more competent than they are.

By the Numbers

  • Apples ‘n’ Pears: 6
  • Incidences of Cockney meta meta meta meta meta rhyming slang: 1
  • Old-timey sing-alongs: 1
  • Jellied eels eaten: 0
  • Pies and mash eaten: 0
  • Humans eaten: 204
  • Chocolate dicks sucked: 1
  • Diamond geezahs: 14
  • Seconds before first face removal: 107
  • Foreheads of Power (+3): 1
  • Brick Tops: 0.78
  • Babies drop-kicked at ironic posters: 1
  • Extremely low-speed chase sequences: 1
  • Zombie football riots: 1
  • Zimmer frame sub-machinegun mods: 1

Overall: BRAAAAAAAAINS (me’ ol’ mucka’) / 5

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