Categories
Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Shoot ’em Up

A glorious evening of FRbtNage at the hands of Ian, Dan and Devo.

Synopsis

An infeasibly capable ACTION HERO and a feasibly Italian FETISH PROSTITUTE rescue a BABY from an EVIL GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY.

ALL THE BULLETS IN THE WORLD are then fired over the couse of NINETY MINUTES.

Roll credits.

By the Numbers

  • Carrots munched: 7
  • Carrot impalements: 2
  • Mid-fight births: 1
  • Mid-fight births not involving Conan: 1
  • Mid-fight breastfeeding sessions: 1
  • FUK U: 2
  • Hand dryer disarmaments: 1
  • Nuns: 0
  • Penalties to attack rolls incurred with a newborn baby in the off-hand: 0 (This trend is getting ridiculous now.)
  • Penalties to attack rolls incurred with a woman you are currently having sex with in the off-hand: apparently also 0
  • People getting literally shit-faced: 2
  • Tits: 5
  • Tits presented in a context other than breastfeeding: somehow, only two
  • Rube Goldberg rat-based door locks: 1
  • Rube Goldberg submachine gun-based deaths: 16
  • Dead bodies rained: 9.45
  • Badassery: over 90009000
  • Bullets expended: ALL THE BULLETS
  • Bullets fired WITHOUT EVEN NEEDING A GUN: 4
  • Puns quipped: ALL THE PUNS
  • Kinds of wrong: ALL THE KINDS

Overall: 4 / 5

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