Another guest review by Dan, Esqui and Devo!

Synopsis

TIM BURTON and JOHNNY DEPP make a movie where he wears EYELINER. No, not that one. Or that one. No, not that one either. No, keep guessing. No. OK, fine, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Whatever.

LIVERPOOL. PILGRIMS. AMERICA. VAMPIRES. TIM BURTON. JOHNNY DEPP. Bellatrix Lestrange…

By the Numbers

• Deaths by Voodoo seahorses: 1
• Chthulu: F’tagn
• Chthulu endorsed fast food franchises: 1
• Brightness: 2%
• Base jumps: 4
• Goth transformations from sheer angst: 1
• Stereotypical hippiemobiles, per number plates: Pi
• Equal rights: 0
• Ghost, in crabs: 8
• Vampire’s kill count: 21
• Jedi Mind Tricks: 4
• Vampires hypnotised: 1
• Secret knitting nooks: 1
• Fascinating Witches who scintillate the lips of the vampire who goes by the name of Barnabas: 1
• Places a vampire can sleep: all the dark places.
• Goth Factor: > Batman
• Doctor-Patient Sexuality: Explained adequately
• Supernatural 70’s office sex: Pass the mind bleach.
• Balls: all you need are balls…
• …of which are present in David’s father: 0
• Rules of the hackerspace broken: Number 1
• Angry mobs: 1
• Projectile vomit accuracy: 50%
• Stigmatic artworks: 420
• Shotgun capacity, in shells: 7
• Furries: 1
• Ghost banshee scream porcelain witch chandelier impalements: 1

Overall: 3.9 / 5

Apparently one of the characters was called Captain Rubberpants.