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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Dogma

Synopsis

ALAN RICKMAN teams up with JAY, SILENT BOB, CHRIS ROCK and the LAST DESCENDANT OF JESUS to stop MATT DAMON, BEN AFFLECK and the HOCKEY PLAYERS OF DOOM blowing up the world because Catholicism.

By the Numbers

  • Jesus thumbs-ups: 1
  • Alan Rickmans: 1
  • Alan Rickman’s Naked Androgynous Crotches: 1
  • Prototype Adams: 5
  • Bucks owed by Jesus: 12
  • Giant shitdemons: 1
  • Schmuses: 3
  • Schmonsequences: 0
  • Holes per barkeeper: 7
  • Sightings of God’s knickers: 2
  • Holy meeps: 1
  • Credited Norps: 1
  • Average reactions to Alanis Morissette opening her mouth: 1

Overall: 4 / 5

“I can’t take it… it’s too big.”
“That’s what Jesus said.”
OH REALLY

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