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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Golgo 13: The Professional

Synopsis

It is the ANIME 70S, where MEN wear trenchcoats and fedoras, and WOMEN wear nothing but radioactive ribbons.

Into this world of vice steps GOLGO 13. His name: UNKNOWN. His origins: UNKNOWN. His mission: to kill some DUDES and stare dispassionately at some TITS.

By the Numbers

  • Dudes killed: 147
  • Fucks given: 0
  • Chicks fucked: 3
  • Fucks given: 0
  • Headshots: 7
  • Sparkly custard headshots: 1
  • Post-coitus gulls: 3
  • Crucifixions: 1
  • Office chair garottings: 1
  • Snakes oozed from helicopters: 1
  • Police disco cars: 3
  • GET THE FUCKAAAAR NOOOOW!: 1
  • Times an action movie hero reloads his gun: actually, some.
  • Bad 80s flight simulator CGI scenes: 2
  • Grenade beheadings: somehow, 1
  • Times Golgo 13 is harmed by a metal spike: 2
  • Times Golgo 13 is harmed by a dozen Uzis, two exploding cars, a minigun, three grenades, a flamethrower, 13 rockets, 200 shards of broken glass, 3 helicopter gunships and a collapsing church: LOL NOPE

Overall: 3 / 5

120% more rapey than expected.

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