NAÏVE PRETTY-BOY comes to London, embarks upon a life of DEBAUCHERY, sells his soul to THE DEVIL, stays young while a PAINTING of him ages instead. What could possibly go wrong? Yup, EVERYTHING.

By the Numbers

  • Chromosomes Colin Firth’s character inherited from Mr Darcy: 23
  • Chromosomes Colin Firth’s character inherited from Billy Mays: 23
  • Cigarettes smoked: over 9000
  • Scenes of social awkwardness: 15
  • Scenes of socially awkward sex: 1
  • Scenes of drunken, debauched and probably much more enjoyable sex: 6
  • (Counting off-screen encounters, I assume this number also tends to over 9000.)
  • Scenes of socially awkward hot man-on-man action: 1
  • Naked women inexplicably standing in gigantic oyster shells: 1
  • Bawls tripped: 304
  • People killed: 3
  • Members of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen somehow missing from this movie: 6

Overall: 3 / 5