Synopsis

NAÏVE PRETTY-BOY comes to London, embarks upon a life of DEBAUCHERY, sells his soul to THE DEVIL, stays young while a PAINTING of him ages instead. What could possibly go wrong? Yup, EVERYTHING.

By the Numbers

• Chromosomes Colin Firth’s character inherited from Mr Darcy: 23
• Chromosomes Colin Firth’s character inherited from Billy Mays: 23
• Cigarettes smoked: over 9000
• Scenes of social awkwardness: 15
• Scenes of socially awkward sex: 1
• Scenes of drunken, debauched and probably much more enjoyable sex: 6
• (Counting off-screen encounters, I assume this number also tends to over 9000.)
• Scenes of socially awkward hot man-on-man action: 1
• Naked women inexplicably standing in gigantic oyster shells: 1
• Bawls tripped: 304
• People killed: 3
• Members of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen somehow missing from this movie: 6

Overall: 3 / 5