The Vampire's Assistant

Synopsis

FORGETTABLE DUDE steals a RADIOACTIVE SPIDER from a GINGER AUBURN VAMPIRE. FORGETTABLE DUDE 2 gets bitten, and in an attempt to avoid him turning into SPIDERMAN, FORGETTABLE DUDE becomes the GINGER STRAWBERRY BLONDE VAMPIRE’s assistant. Then runs away to join the circus, where the GINGER REDHEADED VAMPIRE teaches him to use his super vampire powers to kill the EVIL ZOMBIE-VAMPIRE THINGS.

By the Numbers

• 1920s Leaflet-Spreading Batmobiles: 1
• Terrifying scenes for arachnophobes: 27
• Cirque du Freak du Pain du Vin du Boursin: 16
• Vampire’s resemblance to Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka: 97%
• Vampire’s resemblance to Colin from the Fast Show: 99.9%
• Shitty-ass sparkly vampires: 0
• Whiny emo kids, nevertheless: 2
• Vampires creepily showing up in people’s bedrooms, nevertheless: 1
• Super-speed Vampire vs. Zombie Graveyard Bust-ups: 1
• “I think I broke a nail!”: 1
• Spider-kickings: 14
• TAIL: over 9000 %

Trivia

The Dutch for “what’s that” is “wat is dat”. Thanks, unexpectedly Dutch subtitles!

Overall: 2 / 5