From the moment the REPLACEMENT COLUMBIA LADY’s SKIN MELTS to reveal her TRUE FORM, you just know THIS FILM is going to be a CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE. Oh yes.

In a bid to outdo JACK AND JILL for sheer, horrifying ADAM SANDLER DENSITY, we are now apparently drunk enough to endure ADAM SANDLER’s Eight Crazy Nights, starring ADAM SANDLER, ADAM SANDLER, ADAM SANDLER, and even filling in as the voice of a scat-fetishist deer, ADAM. FUCKING. SANDLER.



By the Numbers

  • Racist Chinese stereotypes (in the first 60 seconds): 1
  • Glasses smashed by lengthy burps (in the first 60 seconds): 5
  • Creepy car-fetishists (in the… you know what, never mind.: 1
  • Dustbin-lid police car chases: 1
  • Elderly carol singers dispatched by farts: 7
  • Actual crimes committed by main character in first five minutes: 6 (heart-warming!)
  • Thongs applied to the arse of hairy midgets: 1
  • Extra sweaty jock straps eaten: 2
  • Elderly dominatrixes: 1-555-BOOBIES
  • Musical numbers about Adam Sandler’s erection: 1
  • Bizarre Mr Roboto flashbacks: 1
  • Pints of coffee spat into Adam Sandler’s face by giant anthropomorphic coffee cups: 12
  • Synchronised nose-vomiting children: 3
  • Seconds for which Adam Sandler attempts opera: 27 too many
  • Times I have now seen Adam Sandler give himself a wedgie to impress reindeer that are also Adam Sandler: 1
  • Times I have now seen Adam Sandler threaten to shit on a small child’s bed: OH GOD WHAT
  • Surprise Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6: WHAAAAAAT
  • Cheery musical numbers sang by shop mascots while Adam Sandler is strapped to a living chair with sinister eyes: WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT
  • Pensioners pushed down a hill in a portaloo, then subsequenctly covered in shit, turned into a “poop-sickle”, and had his balls licked clean by Adam Sandler the shit-eating reindeer:

Overall: ACTUAL HITLER / 5