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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Ender’s Game

Synopsis

A PSYCHOTIC CHILD goes to PSYCHOTIC CHILD SCHOOL to learn how to be MORE PSYCHOTIC at aliens.

It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE.

By the Numbers

  • Independence Days: 1
  • Indiana Solos: 1
  • Back-story skipped: 99%
  • Naked children: Mercifully, fewer than the book
  • Psychotic children: All of them
  • Psychotic adults: Also pretty much all of them
  • Eyes burrowed through: 1
  • Hannah Montana characters: OH GOD WHY
  • Minutes of training required to become Super Zero G Combat Flange God: 5
  • Naked child ultraviolence: present
  • H.R.Giger & Company Interior Decorating contracts: 12
  • Highly variable Ben Kingsley Accents: 1
  • Surprising plot twists: 0
  • Progressively more crap sequels set up: 18 and counting
  • PEW PEW: PEW

Overall: 4 / 5

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