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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Titanic: The Legend Goes On

Synopsis

On the morning of April 15th 1912, the RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic with the loss of 1500 lives. It was the deadliest civilian maritime disaster in history.

Naturally, this great tragedy deserves a solemn and poignant treatment by the film industry.

Oh, and a RAPPING DOG. It totally needed a RAPPING. FUCKING. DOG.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE.

By the Numbers

  • Wicked step-sisters: 3
  • Dalmatians: 2
  • Seagull arse close-ups: 1
  • Sherlock Holmeses: 1
  • Speedy Gonzaleses: 3
  • Rolls on the Random NPC Accent Table: 27
  • Japanese subtitles added just for the rap scene because WHAT THE FUCK I DON’T EVEN KNOW
  • Chihuahuas on drugs: 1
  • Canine accessories to sexual assault: 1
  • Films converted to widescreen by just chopping off the top of everyone’s heads: at least one!
  • William, in DiCaprioness: 0.87
  • William, in rapiness: 165
  • Pointlessly flambéed chefs: 1
  • Chefs later saved by guilt-tripping mice with super strength: 1
  • “I never really thought you’d come!”: That’s what she said.
  • Scenes with random grunting audio that would be much better dubbed over bad porn: 3
  • “Let me know when you see a change in the type of ice.”
    Types of Ice
  • “Wait a minute, the film isn’t over yet!”: OH FUCK
  • Credits length, minutes: 12
  • Minutes fewer of actual film, mercifully: 12
  • Abominations in the Eyes of the Lord: 1

“It’s like an LSD trip!”
“No. LSD trips are much more fun than this.”

Overall: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE nope nope nope nope

NOPE NOPE NOPE

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