Synopsis

Something something SOY SAUCE something ALIENS something something GRIBBLY PARASITE something something ALL FUCKED.

Yeah, I’m not really sure what the hell we just watched.

By the Numbers

• Cracked authors: 2
• Internal tentacle rapes alluded to: 1
• Ghostbusters: 0
• Snakes per face: 45
• Door knobs: 1
• Chicken Brent: 0.87
• Camel Holocausts: 5
• Percentage of the way though the film at which John dies: 40?
• Mothstaches: 1
• Sausage signal: 0 bars
• Zombie fly-colonies: 3
• Bible bashers: 1
• Gory death: OVER 9000
• What’s in the container: BUFFERING

Overall: 2 / 5