Synopsis

Something something SOY SAUCE something ALIENS something something GRIBBLY PARASITE something something ALL FUCKED.

Yeah, I’m not really sure what the hell we just watched.

By the Numbers

  • Cracked authors: 2
  • Internal tentacle rapes alluded to: 1
  • Ghostbusters: 0
  • Snakes per face: 45
  • Door knobs: 1
  • Chicken Brent: 0.87
  • Camel Holocausts: 5
  • Percentage of the way though the film at which John dies: 40?
  • Mothstaches: 1
  • Sausage signal: 0 bars
  • Zombie fly-colonies: 3
  • Bible bashers: 1
  • Gory death: OVER 9000
  • What’s in the container: BUFFERING Buffering

Overall: 2 / 5