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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

John Dies at the End

Synopsis

Something something SOY SAUCE something ALIENS something something GRIBBLY PARASITE something something ALL FUCKED.

Yeah, I’m not really sure what the hell we just watched.

By the Numbers

  • Cracked authors: 2
  • Internal tentacle rapes alluded to: 1
  • Ghostbusters: 0
  • Snakes per face: 45
  • Door knobs: 1
  • Chicken Brent: 0.87
  • Camel Holocausts: 5
  • Percentage of the way though the film at which John dies: 40?
  • Mothstaches: 1
  • Sausage signal: 0 bars
  • Zombie fly-colonies: 3
  • Bible bashers: 1
  • Gory death: OVER 9000
  • What’s in the container: BUFFERING
    Buffering

Overall: 2 / 5

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