Synopsis:

A WEIRD FISH-THING escapes from a WEIRD HUMAN-THING, comes ashore and falls in love with an ACTUAL HUMAN. WEIRD FISH-THING is then re-captured by WEIRD HUMAN-THING, but escapes, and returns to reclaim her love by LAYING WASTE TO HALF A CITY and AN ENTIRE SHIPPING FLEET with a GIANT ALL-CONQUERING FISH TSUNAMI, then alters EARTH’S MAGNETIC FIELD to DESTROY THE WORLD by crashing the MOON into it.

So basically she’s FRIEZA, but also a FISH that’s in LOVE with a FIVE-YEAR-OLD.

Oh, MIYAZAKI.

By the Numbers:

• Miniponyos: over 9000 (that was easy)
• Miniponyo creepiness: likewise
• Goldfish: 0
• Good driving habits demonstrated by mother: 0
• Evil guys wearing eyeliner: 1
• Crab shields: 0.5
• Wondrous Fish Explosion-Tsunami: 1
• Approximate Rides of the Valkyries: 2
• Evil baby-stares: 4
• Joe Hisaishi factor: 275
• Hayao Miyazaki factor: lost count

Overall: 3 / 5