Categories
Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

A guest review by Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… AWFUL ROMANCE occurs, accompanied by MORE POLITICS and the least amount of action in any installment of George Lucas’ infamous cinematic roleplaying game! Also, thinnly veiled references to the American Civil War and Anakin is now a teenager. An ANGSTY, WHINY teenager!

By the Numbers

  • Years between this film and the last one: 10
  • Senator’s assistants employed for the sole purpose of being BLOWN UP: 1
  • People fooled by Ian McDiarmid’s blatantly insincere concern: Somehow, EVERYONE
  • FUCKING JAR JAR: Significantly less than in Episode I, thankfully (but still too much)
  • Horribly awkward romantic moments: 9
  • Times that the student brazenly undermines the master: 4
  • Murderous centipedes: 2
  • Games of Crazy Taxi played: 1
  • Random tesla coils: 2
  • “Sorry, Master”: 5
  • “Shut up, Anakin” (reviewer): 5
  • “Shut up, Anakin” (cast): 0
  • Out-of-place 1950s diners: 1
  • Uppity librarians: 1
  • Incidents of robot prejudice BY robots: 1
  • Children allowed to play with laser-knives: 9
  • Giant snorting arse-potatoes being ridden bareback: DA FUQ
  • Moments in which Anakin consciously refuses to be a sensible human being: Seriously…!?
  • Slip-E-Slides: 2
  • Immaculately shiny chrome space daggers: 1
  • Games of Asteroids played: 1
  • Spaceballs: 6
  • Vengeful murder tantrums: 1
  • Bugs squashed on hot-plates: 1
  • Games of Space Ace played: 1
  • “What did I do to deserve this?”: YOU. WERE. BORN!
  • Cups of refreshing molten slag served: 6
  • Giant meat cleavers on a robot assembly line: WHY!?!
  • Kitties, crabs and trinoceri: Oh my!
  • These aren’t your dad’s puns, these are ROBO-PUNS!: 2
  • Minutes of film passed before the clones attack: 112
  • Spaceballs dropped: 1
  • Geezer-on-geezer action: Not THAT kind of action!
  • Sails IN SPACE: 1

Overall: 1 / 5

Leave a Reply