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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

A guest review by Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… FUCKING POLITICS happened. Vaguely alluded-to bullshit about trade routes and space taxes leads to an ARMY OF EVIL ROBOTS invading the planet FANTASIA, and so the CHILD-LIKE EMPRESS calls upon the KNIGHTS OF THE SPACE TABLE to pull her out of the shit. Adventure, fun and intrigue DO NOT follow as they are replaced by an ANNOYING FROG-RABBIT and a CREEPY LITTLE BOY who has the hots for a girl TWICE HIS AGE! (No wonder George Lucas started with Episode IV…)

By the Numbers

  • Opening crawl in seconds: 73 (In this and all the other films)
  • Japanese bug people: 3
  • TC: 14
  • Rogers: 8
  • Terrible things according to Liam Neeson: 1000
  • Actual terrible things: Many, MANY more
  • Ignorant politicians: ALL OF THEM
  • Phantoms: 0
  • Menaces: 3, none of which are phantoms
  • Bigger fish: 4
  • Vulcan nerve pinches: 1
  • Neurologically-impaired robots: OVER 9000!!!
  • Neurologically-impaired frog-rabbits: Also over 9000 (but one moreso than the rest)
  • Incidents of wudeness: 3
  • Screaming wheelie bins: 4
  • Big doo-doos: 3
  • Creepy star-children: 1
  • Tiny winged elephant-men: 1
  • Robo-exhibitionists: 1
  • Minutes of film dedicated to pointless racing sub-plot: 31
  • Robo-stooges: 3
  • Puppets among the CGI masquerade ball: 2
  • Logical explanations for the Force: NO NO STAAAHP
  • Pointless costume changes by Queen Makeup: 9
  • Minutes of film dedicated to boring politics: 15
  • Gungans wiped out: Sadly, not all of them
  • Responsible child-minders: LOL, nope
  • Blue balls dropped (Oh myyy!): 20
  • Blue balls juggled: 1
  • Green lasers: PEW PEW
  • Robots killed by frog-rabbit playing laser-footsie: 3
  • DO A BARREL ROLL!: 1
  • Unnecessary force-fields in corridor: 6
  • Poorly-positioned starship reactors: 1

Overall: 1 / 5

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