A guest review by Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… A bunch of young whipper-snappers decide to FIGHT THE POWER because BLOWING UP PLANETS is kind of a dick move.

NOTE: For those who give a damn, this version of Episode IV is from the original trilogy special edition box set released back in 2004, as will Episodes V and VI be.

By the Numbers

• Locations in the film which are not CGI: ALL OF THEM
• Longer, longer, longer, longer lasting starships in seconds: 11
• “We’re doomed!”: 2
• Rebels who are actually worse shots than stormtroopers: 10
• Penalties to dodge rolls when shuffling across a narrow corridor whilst being shot at from both sides by a dozen soldiers: NAAAAAH
• Blue rings of sleep: 1
• “I’m going to regret this”: We all are
• Problems the bad guys could have avoided if they’d just shot down that one escape pod with no lifesigns aboard: OH CHRIST, WHERE TO BEGIN
• “We seem to be made to suffer”: Yes
• Things which are R2-D2’s fault: 3
• Thieving midget gyppos: 8
• Distance between the bright centre of the universe and Planet Sand: Over 9000!!! parsecs
• Only hopes: 7
• “Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise”: BULLSHIT
• Kentucky fried guardians: And a burnt-out hut
• Floating black balls of PAIN: 1
• Giant ballsacks playing catchy jazz numbers: 4
• Butt-mouths: 1
• Greedo: SHOT FIRST
• Horribly-rendered CGI slugs: 1
• Star Destroyers: 4
• Stars destroyed: Disappointingly, 0
• Planets destroyed: 1 (YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!)
• Unfair games of space-chess played: Screw the rules, I’m a Wookiee!
• TK: 421
• Boring conversations: 1 (Really, just 1??)
• Incredible smells: 1
• Games of Laser Pong played: 1
• Tentacle rape scenes: OH GOD WHY
• Headbangers: 1 (Rock on!)
• Gullible Space Nazis: 7
• Highly trained, well-armed soldiers running away from a single crazy person: 5
• Penalties to dodge rolls suffered while standing on a 1x2 platform and being shot at by four soldiers on the other side of a gaping chasm: OH FECK OFF
• Twincest: 0.3 (Shhh, spoilers)
• Mark Hamill’s schizophrenic moments: 5
• “Pull up!”: “No, I’m all ri-AARRRGH!”
• Big bangs: 1
• Big bang theories: 0

Overall: 4 / 5