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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

A guest review by Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… A boy grew into a MAN, a SCOUNDREL became a POPSICLE and the AUDIENCE became AGHAST as the PRINCE OF DARKNESS reveals a TERRIBLE SECRET (unless you’ve seen Episode III first)…

By the Numbers

  • Abominable Snowman’s sneak attack roll: Natural 20
  • “A death mark’s not easy to live with”: No shit!
  • Awkward goodbyes: 2
  • Human stalactites: 1
  • Chances of surviving in a sub-zero environment without shelter or supplies: 725 to 1 (supposedly)
  • Reliable instructions offered by a hallucination: 2
  • Cozy entrail beds: 1
  • Nerf herders: 1
  • Twincest: 0.7
  • Examples of Vader overcompensating for something: 1
  • Giant robo-camels of death: 5
  • Frotting starships: 3
  • Hyperspace rolls fumbled: 3
  • Possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field: 3720 to 1
  • Odds beaten: 4445
  • TIE fighter evasion rolls failed: 4
  • Robots literally full of shit: 1
  • Perilous flirting: ALL THE PERILOUS FLIRTING
  • Crazy old goblins: One there is, yes. Mmmm!
  • Floating zombie heads: 1
  • Bowls of yummy swamp stew: 2
  • Giant space cocks: 1
  • Giant space cock vore: THERE’S NOT ENOUGH MIND BLEACH
  • Something something DARK SIDE: 7
  • Odds of surviving a direct assault on an Imperial Star Destroyer: SHUT UP
  • Try: 0
  • Violent interruptions: 1
  • Piggies in the middle: 0
  • Piggies out of the middle: 4
  • Wookiees in the middle: 1
  • Manoliths: 1
  • Father-son games of catch played: 1
  • Son’s failed catch rolls: 5
  • Father-son hand-jobs: Fuck this, I’m out!
  • Mark Hamill’s facial age upon learning of his parentage: 20 to 50 in 25 seconds
  • Conveniently placed tube slides: 1

Overall: 4 / 5

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