Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

A guest review by Ian “Devo” Montgomery


A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… The BAD GUYS ran out of ideas and thought “Fuck it, let’s build another planet-busting space station! I’m sure those MEDDLING KIDS won’t blow this one up!” And where does that line of thought take them? To a HUMILIATING DEFEAT by a bunch of fucking TEDDY BEARS! Dumbasses…

By the Numbers

  • Sinister robo-eyes: 1
  • Moblins: 8
  • Crazy, cackling bat-parrot-goblin…things: 1
  • Decorative jazz-hands: 2
  • Tentacle molestations: Here we go again…
  • Robots inexplicably programmed to feel pain: At least 3
  • Minimum number of tits required for exotic dancers on Tatooine: 6
  • Pointless CGI band members: 2
  • Monster munch: 2
  • Adorable reunions between a man and his man-bear-dog: 1
  • Hideous man-children weeping over pet murder-beasts: 1
  • People devoured by giant sand rectum: 5
  • Incidents of psychic paedophilia: 1
  • Failed sneak rolls: 1
  • High-speed air-bike jackings: 1
  • Incidents of high-speed tree-hugging: 4
  • Tribal teddy bears: Over 9000!!!
  • Memes that will never die: At least 2
  • Teddy Ruxpins: None
  • Teddy Roosevelts: Also none
  • Golden idols: 1
  • Epic bedtime stories with added sound effects: 1
  • Twincest: NOPE, NOT THIS TIME
  • Winnie the Joyrider: 1
  • Games of tag played: 1
  • Giant robo-chickens of death: 4
  • Space Nazis lynched by teddy bears: 14
  • Teddy bears use Rock Throw on Robot Chicken: It’s not very effective…
  • Stormtroopers that can actually AIM: 2
  • Teddy bear picnics: Nope
  • Teddy bear massacres: Oh my, yes >:D
  • Air-bike tetherball: AIR-BIKE TETHERBALL
  • Chicken sandwiches: 1
  • Idiot stormtroopers that should have just SHOT THE GOOD GUYS instead of trying to capture them: 2
  • Seconds the big bad wastes hurting the hero when he should have just killed him: 20
  • Sudden, inevitable betrayals: 1
  • Gargantuan battleships destroyed by one measly fighter: SERIOUSLY!?
  • Redeemed mass murderers: 1
  • Forest moons set ablaze by nearby exploding space stations: FUCK PHYSICS
  • Galaxy-spanning regimes toppled by the loss of one space station and one emperor: Oh fuck it all, it’s over now 😛

Overall: 4 / 5

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