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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

The Host

Synopsis

HUMANKIND is lost! Our BODIES have been possessed by ALIEN CATERPILLARS on a TERRIBLE MISSION to… do NOTHING AT ALL to HUMANITY.

Nevertheless, WE MUST RESIST, because HOLLYWOOD DEMANDS IT.

Even More Abridged Synopsis

GRANDIA II, as written by STEPHANIE MEYER.

By the Numbers

  • Thetans: 7019278
  • Vampires: 0
  • Contact lens budget, USD: 981091
  • Schizophrenia sufferers: 2
  • Schizophrenia puns: 1
  • Preposterously reflective vehicles: 7
  • High-heeled treks across the desert: 1
  • Psychic killer aliens deliberately led to the one remaining cell of human resistance: 1
  • Psychic killer aliens given guided tours of the one remaining cell of human resistance: 1
  • Democracies: 0
  • Shotgun-wielding pre-teens: 0.5
  • Aliens highly vulnerable to slapping: 6578452209
  • Checkov’s hydrothermal vents: 1
  • Guys specifically hitting on the alien caterpillar mind-parasite and not in any way the human host: 1
  • Seekers: 5
  • Other Quidditch players: 0

Overall: 2 / 5

Ducky... Momo...?

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